All New Arrivals

A Dutch guy told me there is a site where you can write a letter to yourself and receive it in an e-mail on a date you choose, say on a Tuesday in May in ten years time. I really liked the idea, it illustrates perfectly how human beings change or not in thinking over time. And they do. But instead of looking for the site, maybe because I never mastered the habit of bothering too much with things like that, I will write it here and forsake it into oblivion, because I will most probably forget to check this post in 10 years. Anyway, this is the letter to myself.

You are writing in English for no reason. You are not English, and everything you can say in this language you will certainly say better in your own. It is this seeking attention nature of humans, maybe, that drives you to write in an international language, with the mock-worthy idea that more people would read and evaluate the few lines you can come up with. At the same time you hate this style of writing, but you see no other option about how letters to yourself should look like.
And so, you want a lot, you want it fast, you want everything. You hate the idea you might have to work 40 hours per week behind a desk, sending letters and copying documents, doing work you see no real results from. Working below an overly self-esteemed bonkers who might be nice or not, but you will have to comply. You want action, movement, contacts, ideas, projects, working on the field, seeing that what you do brings change, but a positive one. At the same time you are aware that what you are looking for puts an eventual family somewhere in the dreamworld, but you never know. And moreover, you have never had a great perspective of having anyone whatsoever, you have been by yourself all your life and have no idea what it means no to be, so you guess it wouldn't be anything new. You have too many things to do, and you don't do much about it. You are impatient, but lazy. You find excuses for not moving forward. You have sudden strikes of self-rebellion and you start being the person you like more, but these moment last short and you only complain of not being capable enough. You complain too much about small things. Things you forget five seconds afterwards because you don't care about them. Usually it means you have more serious problems that eat you but you don't want to talk about them. Your issues are always the same, but it doesn't matter because you have realized a long time ago that what is worth worrying about is only: family, health, money and love. Nothing else.

It is good that you managed to get accepted at one of the best universities in the world. Sounds nice. The people you've met are worth everything you can think of. You have never expected that you would get attached so fast to people you barely know. And it is not only because you spend a lot of time with them and you have nobody else, but because they are amazing. You are more than grateful to have splendid men for good friends. Sometimes, more often than not, you get sick of the fact that they respect you so much and tell you you are fantastic and then they go back to their girls and you always, always go back to your empty room. However, you know you would not lose a friend for a man that will never be, and your friendship is most probably worth a hundred times more than what they have with their girls. You hope to keep these contacts and are curious what will happen in future.

Congratulations, you've accepted the fact that you are woman. You even like it sometimes. You continue saying to yourself that you have never been a girl, first you were a semi-boy, than you were a woman, but never a girl. You know, though, that you were too much of a girl, last year when you were banging your head in a wall trying to figure out what to do with the single man that you have ever had, and you hated it. You have no idea what kind of woman you would be with a man, but you don't feel like a girl, either. Now, when you have become 25, you finally feel you want to shake off this body of an old hag that you have been wearing for too long and you want to feel young again. You are a bit slow with these things, too proud, too stubborn, too lazy and too much of a coward, and too slow. You are pissed off, though. You are pissed off of your depressive nature and want to finally discover what it means to be young, cool and free. It doesn't go without trying. And being cool is not something people are being born with. It is the person that you want to become and then you choose which type of coolness you want for yourself. The being 'cool' idea you know you shouldn't take seriously and you secretly laugh at. You also laugh at your attempts in being young and cheerful, because you know you are too messed up now, but still believe it is better for you and you actually, as a matter of real living fact, recently feel better.

You are thinking a lot, too much, and all the time. Your unexpected lightnings of thoughts that come upon you you can not share with everyone, because the lightnings scare some. You have found those ones to listen and are thankful to those who consider you a bit odd but not completely lunatic. At times you feel like Nietzche, at times you feel like a complete idiot. The good thing about you is that you don't take yourself too seriously and always try to look at things from above and see a broader picture. You like it that you try to check all perspective and understand everybody. You are wiser than many, sometimes dumb, but intelligent as a whole.

You have so many dreams. All the time. A lot of then you now realize are overdue. Now you realize, more than ever, that dreaming all day is something you will not stop doing and enjoy it, but you should finally stop dreaming only. This life that you have, you always knew is too short, even though you want to make it to 200, you don't believe it will be the case. You are over-consumed with the passing time. Sometimes you only do things because you have this idea at the back of your disturbed brain that time is constantly passing and you are not in it at all. That it wouldn't wait for you to ripe, it will just pass you by. At times you fall in a complete blank out, when you only observe and cannot make sense of anything happening around you. You understand human nature so well, but at the same time you cannot comprehend why people, including you, can be so irrational and stupid at times and behave according to rules they themselves invented, but looked from the distance seem to be ridiculous and unnecessary. You distance yourself from humanity far too often than the healthy, conversely at the same time being extremely humanity oriented.

You don't like too many people to touch you, but cannot live without people. You have never loved properly, but everything you do you do out of love, because it is the most important thing for you. You can be dead cold, but you believe in love from first sight, you have never had love, but it is what you have always needed the most. And you think the word 'love' in English sounds very plain by the way. You are a desert and a volcano. You are a dog and a cat. Barking 'love me, love me, love me' and miyaoing 'but only from whoever I want, and whenever I want'. You believe in the distinctive opposite sides of the same matter and believe in them genuinely and with certainty, even though they are complete different. You are a composition of so many people inside of you, all of them with a voice and personality. You like simple things but you are a complicated mess.

You are weak, and strong. You are smart, and stupid. You are sad, and cheerful. You want to change, and you want to keep yourself. You wish your life be long and not in vain. You are still learning.
This is getting too long, so you will stop here, but there is a lot more to say. Maybe another time.